ShinRa School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
by Ambient Dark Melody
Summary: ...and Mako. Cloud Strife was a marked teenager living a boring life, until one day he was invited to this ShinRa school. Little does he know, it's no ordinary school! Harry Potter parody, rated T for language mostly from Barret and Cid. Extreme OOC.
1. A Strange Invitation

_I seriously don't remember how I got the idea for this thing. O.o Anyway, I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or Harry Potter in anyway. My friend HopelesslyFlawed helped out with the Harry Potter part, since I'm not addicted to that. I am however addicted to Final Fantasy 7. x3 Now then, I'm going to say this all at the beginning, so don't get pissy and tell me I never said it just because it's not in the other chapters. This story obviously does not follow the FF7 storyline, so things are different, such as characters like Cloud and Tifa did not know each other as kids, and other various things. This is purely for fun, so if you can't handle changes to practically everything, please hit the back button now. :3 Also, please don't get mad at me if your favorite FF7 character is not in here, or if your favorite Harry Potter character is not represented at all. I'm not going to change it, for I am quite happy with the characters I've chosen. Also, I've tried to use practically every FF7 character that people like, and I'd think that matters more than the HP characters represented since this is an FF7 fic. O.o Now that all that's out of the way, please enjoy my parody!_

**ShinRa School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...and Mako**

_**A Strange Invitation**_

Once upon a time, there lived a young boy... Well okay, he wasn't young, more like about 17 years old. Anyway, this boy was special. He had the legendary mako green eyes, all because of an incident in his childhood. When he was nothing more than an infant, the great SuperSoldier of ShinRa, Sephiroth, came and destroyed the boy's hometown of Nibelheim. Killing many people, including the boy's father, Sephiroth had also tried to kill the infant, but somehow failed. However, as a result, the young boy was infused with some of the mako in Sephiroth and gained the mako green color in his eyes as a mark left behind. After that Sephiroth disappeared and was not seen again for the next 17 years. Since then, the boy had grown into a strong, handsome and responsible young man.

"CLOUD, GET OUT HERE AND WASH THESE DISHES!!!" Cloud's mother, who'd unfortunately survived Sephiroth, screamed from the other room.

"I'm polishing my buster blade right now Mom, GAWD!!" Cloud screamed back. So two out of three ain't bad... Well, he had good hair, and that's all you really need.

"CLOUD!!"

"WHAT, MOM?!"

"BRING ME A SODA!!"

Cloud growled lowly, his eyebrow twitching. Everyday since he could walk it had been like this, him doing everything for his mother while she sat on the couch and most likely grew fungus between her toes. Well, he'd finally had enough. It was time for him to spread his wings and fly out into the world!

"Screw you Mom, I'm going outside!" Cloud yelled, doing just that and slamming the door behind him. He didn't get far until a moogle suddenly smacked into his face and clung to it.

"AHH!!" Cloud shrieked, pulling it and ripping it off. He blinked at it in confusion.

The moogle blinked back. After a few moments, it finally spoke.

"I have a message for you, kupo!"

Cloud blinked again, then took the letter out of its hands and tossed the moogle, walking back into the house. _I never get any mail, _he thought as he turned the envelope over to see who it was from. _ShinRa...?_ he questioned in his mind.

"Hey Mom, I got a letter from ShinRa!"

At that moment, for the first time ever, Cloud saw his mother run. She darted up to him from the other room and snatched the letter from his hand at the speed of light. Cloud nearly fell over backwards from the shock of seeing her move so quickly. She tore the envelope open, shreds flying everywhere, then quickly read the letter. After a moment, she tore that up too.

"MOM!!!" yelled Cloud, unable to stop her. A few shreds landed in his hands and he clutched them to his heart, tears filling his mako tainted eyes. The first letter he'd ever gotten had been murdered right before him.

"It was just junkmail, don't worry about it!" his mother told him before stomping back to her couch. Cloud sighed and trudged to his room to sulk.

The next day, Cloud was washing the aforementioned dishes while grudgingly mumbling things about running away...someday.

"CLOUD, REMEMBER TO USE THE SOAP!!"

"I KNOW MOM!!" Cloud shouted angrily, grabbing the soap and squirting it onto the soapless dishes. At that second, a moogle flew in through the window and latched onto his face, causing him to scream and flail which in turn caused dish soap to go all over the room.

"I have a message for you, kupo!" it announced, not letting go of his face. Before Cloud could pull it off, a second moogle zoomed in and grabbed his arm.

"I have a message for you, kupo!" it also said. Cloud finally detached the first moogle and went to do the same to the second when several moogles shot through the window at once and all seized him.

"I have a message for you, kupo!" they all simultaneously declared.

"Where are you all coming from?!" Cloud cried out, desperately trying to free himself. He looked up at the window and his eyes widened dramatically. Moogles were pouring in through the window nonstop, and they began flying around the room all chanting "I have a message for you, kupo!" in their own seperate tempos.

"MOOGLE ATTACK!!!" screamed Cloud as he frantically tried to escape, but slipped on the soap-covered floor and fell on his face. His mother picked that time to come rushing in.

"Cloud, did you blow something up again?!" she accused, then shrieked at the increasing hoard of moogles. "I knew this day would come!! I'LL GET THE SHOTGUN!!" she yelled before running into the opposite room. Cloud grimaced under the weight of the moogles that had piled on him, managed to grab a letter, then screamed as loudly as he possibly could,

"ALRIGHT, I GOT A LETTER, YOU CAN LEAVE NOW!!!"

The moogles stopped whatever they were doing and left out the window, one of them taking a jar of cookies with it. Cloud sighed and dusted himself off as he stood up. His mother ran back in with the shotgun locked and loaded, a look of pure insanity upon her face.

"Time to burn in hell, moogles!" she spat, taking aim.

"Uh, Mom? The moogles kinda...left," Cloud said slowly. His mother lowered the gun.

"Oh." She stood there staring at him, then noticed the letter in his hand.

She stared at him some more.

He stared back.

They stared at each other.

"DROP THAT LETTER!!!" his mother screamed, jumping at him wildly. Cloud dodged past her and dashed into the next room.

"BITE ME!!!" he screamed back, running up the stairs with his mother close behind. He sped down the hall and opened the closet door at the end of it, stepping out of the way. His mother, unable to stop herself, crashed into the closet, allowing Cloud to close the door and lock her in. He ignored her muffled yells of rage and opened the envelope to read his letter. It was written in neat, cursive writing, and read as follows:

_Dear Cloud Strife,_

_I and my money invite you to attend our academy, ShinRa School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...and Mako. I wanted to originally name it ShinRa School of Soldiers and Mako, but my underlings said that Witchcraft and Wizardry would be more family friendly. Of course, I, being superior, put Mako at the end of it anyway because I like that word...and my money... mmm..._

_Anyway Mr. Strife, you have much promising potential, and my money and I would love for you to become a slave... lowlife... student of my school, and graduate as a full-fledged Soldier! Maybe even a SuperSoldier if you pay me... work hard enough!_

_Loves money,_

_Rufus ShinRa_

Cloud blinked at the letter in his hand. _What kind of name is Rufus...?_ he asked in his mind.

"Hey Mom, what's this ShinRa school??"

"It's a secret school that only Soldiers and those who are attending to become Soldiers know about. You learn how to fight, then forever serve the ShinRa company as a part of its army of Soldiers."

"...Cool, I always wanted to kill stuff!" Cloud said happily.

"There's more!" his mother continued. "Your father was actually killed by a man named Sephiroth who came and destroyed Nibelheim and also gave you the mako green tint in your eyes. He was a SuperSoldier from ShinRa who became evil and wanted to destroy the world!"

"...Maybe I'll run into him and get some revenge or something," Cloud said, shrugging his shoulders. "Kaythxbai!"

"At least open the friggin' closet door you ungrateful son!"

Cloud leaned back cautiously, unlocked the door, then darted down the stairs and out the front door as fast as he could. "I'm finally free!" he rejoiced, throwing his hands in the air. He stopped. "Wait...how am I supposed to get to this school??"

He suddenly heard a horn sound and turned to see a long, bulky, RV-like vehicle driving toward him.

"The brakes won't work!!" the man driving cried out frantically. Cloud simply stared as the man drove straight into the side of his house creating the loud sound of snapping wood and scraping metal. The man, tall, black-haired and wearing a strange blue suit, stumbled out of the vehicle and walked over to the blonde teenager.

"Are you Cloud Strife?" he asked.

"...Maybe," Cloud answered, glaring at the stranger.

"Well that mako green in your eyes just gives it away, doesn't it?" The man chuckled joyfully, as if he hadn't just plowed into Cloud's house. "My name is Reeve Rubius Hagrid Tuesti, but call me Reeve!"

"...Kay..."

"Come now, we have lots to do! We have to go all the way to Midgar, where Diagon Alley is." Reeve shoved Cloud over to his vehicle. "Into the Shadowfox!" he chirped, pushing Cloud into the passenger seat. Reeve jumped into the driver's seat just as Cloud's mother came running out of the house.

"WHO PUT THAT HOLE IN MY WALL?!?!" she screamed furiously.

Reeve's eyes widened. "Time to go!" he said, putting the Shadowfox in reverse. However, it went forward anyway, and Reeve drove straight through Cloud's house, out the other side, and continued through Nibelheim. Reeve laughed nervously.

"It'll be fine," he assured. The house then collapsed behind them, and Cloud simply stared at the empty space where the building had once been. "No time for grieving, there's fun to have!" the older man said quickly, driving over all the destruction of Nibelheim. No one had ever really bothered to clean up after Sephiroth left.

* * *

_Off to quite a slow start. x3 It'll get better though, and the chapters will get much longer once Cloud actually gets into the school. Once there are more characters, I'll make a list of which FF7 character is who in the HP world, so it's easier to keep up with them. Please review, I'd really like to hear what you have to say! Chapter two is coming soon, though it's still a bit short. Chapter three is where it starts to get long, so if you don't like it so far, at least hold out hope until Ch. 3! X3_


	2. Diagon Alley

_Almost to Hogwa-- ...ShinRa! x3 Had to get this out of the way first, though. Short and stupid, enjoy it!_

_**Diagon Alley**_

The people of Midgar screamed and scattered as the Shadowfox came barreling through and crashed into a building. Reeve jumped out with a broad smile.

"We're here!"

"Yay!" Cloud cheered when he jumped out. Then he immediately fell over from the traumatization of the ride. Reeve stared at him for a moment before grabbing his foot and dragging him into the bar next to them.

"Hello Reeve!"

"Good to see you, Reeve!"

"Gawd you're hot Reeve! ...I said hi!"

Reeve smiled and waved as he was greeted by several people. Dragging Cloud across the floor and most likely getting splinters in him, Reeve stopped at the bar.

"Reeve, what can I do for you?" the bartender asked, cleaning a glass.

"Just here to go to Diagon Alley," the man answered, smiling and pointing at Cloud. The bartender's eyes widened.

"ZOMG THAT'S CLOUD STRIFE!!!"

Every other person in the bar immediately began screaming Cloud's name as they all tackled him at once.

"Oh gawd, I get enough of this from my fangirls!!" Cloud cried, desperately trying to claw his way out. Reeve simply grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

"That's Cloud," he said, pointing to the bartender. Everyone blinked, then tackled the poor defenseless man while Reeve merrily led Cloud through another door. They came out in an alleyway, and Reeve halted at a brick wall.

"Watch this, Cloud!" He beamed, then struck a pose at the wall. "ABRA KAPOCUS!!!" he shouted in a loud, dramatic voice.

Cloud stared.

Reeve stared.

Crickets chirped...and stared.

"Nothing's happening," the blonde teen pointed out. Reeve sighed and walked away, back through the bar and to the street. Cloud stood with a questioning look, then shrieked and ducked as the Shadowfox suddenly busted out and plowed through the brick wall at full speed. People on the other side screamed and scattered for dear life as bricks flew everywhere. Reeve jumped out of the Shadowfox with a smile.

"Let's go!" He marched forward into Diagon Alley, and Cloud had no choice but to follow the insane man with wide eyes. The alley was filled with many different kinds of shops, all selling things Cloud had never seen before. The other people there were all dressed in strange clothes, and every one of them stared at him once they noticed his mako green tinted eyes. He heard whispers of his name from every direction, and Cloud had no idea what to make of it.

"You're famous," Reeve leaned over and said to him, as if reading his mind. Cloud thought on this for a bit, and a smile crossed his face. Famous...it must be really cool to be famous.

"OH MY GAWD IT'S CLOUD STRIFE HE'S SO HAWT AND CUTE AND COOL AND OH MY GAWD HE'S GETTING AWAY!!!" he heard some girl scream. Several teenage girls suddenly swarmed toward him at full speed, and Cloud began running for his life. Maybe being famous wasn't as great as he thought it would be.

Once he'd escaped the rabid band of girls, Cloud walked through the alley and attempted to regain sight of Reeve. As he strode, a certain shop caught his eye. It was a pet shop with all kinds of creatures inside it: some cute and fuzzy, others ugly as hell, but all unique in their own way. Except for the plain ones. They weren't unique. They were just plain.

Cloud's entire face brightened when he saw his favorite one.

"A CHOCOBO!!" he screeched, making everyone around him cover their ears. "I've always wanted one! They're so cool!!" Reeve walked up next to him, and Cloud jumped onto his arm. "Can I have the baby chocobo?? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Please? Huh? Please? Can I? Can I? Can I? Huh? Please? Huh? Huh? Can I--?"

"Alright, alright!" Reeve interrupted, laughing heartilly. "I'll buy a chocobo for you! In the meantime, go to Oliver's and get the weapon that suits you most."

"YAY!" Cloud cheered, dropping from Reeve's arm. "I want a blue one, 'kay? Make sure it can sing _I'm Walkin' On Sunshine_! I'm gonna name it Henry!!" he yelled as he made his way over to Oliver's, then entered the shop smiling. His smile instantly died when he saw the person behind the counter staring at him with an insane smile and a twitching eye.

"...Um...hi...?"

"CLOUD STRIFE!!" the man yelled, his eye-twitch increasing.

"...Do you do this with everyone...?"

"COME! We must find your PERFECT WEAPON!" the man announced, then dashed away into the many rows of shelves.

"..."

"HERE!" the man yelled when he came back, throwing the box at Cloud. The teen caught it and pulled out a bow and arrow.

"...?"

It exploded in his hands, leaving Cloud charred and wide-eyed.

"NOT FOR YOU!!" the man screamed, running away again. When he came back, he gave Cloud a magic staff. That exploded too.

"NOT FOR YOU!!" the man screamed again. This time, he brought a large buster sword made up of several different swords, all mechanically combined into one.

"Sweeeeeeeet," Cloud said as he drooled over the beautiful weapon.

"THIS FOR YOU!!" the man screamed, grinning widely.

"Uh...sure..."

"This sword was made from the same extremely rare alloy that made the sword of You-Know-Who!"

"...No, I don't know who."

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

"...The crap?"

"The Great Nightmare!"

"Wha?"

"Son of Jenova!"

"Dude, you're not making any sense..."

"..."

"..."

"Sephiroth!"

"Ooohh, yeah okay sure whatever bye." Cloud ran out of the shop as quickly as his legs would carry him with the large buster sword in his hands. "Geez, what a freak," he muttered. Reeve came up to him, hands behind his back.

"My oh my, that's quite a sword you have!"

"I know, isn't it purty??" Cloud purred, petting it and smiling. When he was finished he put it in the holster he just so happened to be carrying on his back. "Did you get my chocobo?" he asked excitedly.

"Nope!" Reeve told him happily, crushing Cloud's smile. "But I got you something even better!"

Cloud's smile returned, but died again when Reeve revealed what he'd been hiding behind his back.

"...A cactuar...?"

"Isn't it adorable?!" The older man gave a deafeningly high-pitched squeal. The cactuar leaped onto Cloud, hugging him and shoving needles into his face. Cloud screamed in agony, fell to the ground, and began rolling around in pain as he tried to rip the cactuar off.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to that." Reeve smiled. Cloud stood up and glared at him, having successfully pulled off the cactuar and leaving bloody puncture wounds behind on his face.

"Oh, and I got your books too!" Reeve dropped a high stack of books into Cloud's arms. "Now, to the train station!" he shouted, happily dragging Cloud away, the blonde angsting over the loss of a chocobo and the huge amount of school books in his arms.

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_Told you it was short and stupid. Next chapter, however, they finally arrive at the ShinRa school! It's also much much longer, I promise. Please review!_


	3. Finally at the School

_Sorry it took so long. o.o But be happy, 'cause this is a much longer chapter than the other two were, yaaay! Not much to say about this one... ON WITH IT!!!_

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_Finally at the School_

Cloud walked up to the train station and blinked. He was really gonna go to this ShinRa school. He was finally gonna make something of his life. He was finally gonna BE somebody.

"Cloud, I got your stuff!" Reeve called out from behind. Cloud turned around and was instantly buried in a pile of heavy suitcases.

"What is all this?!" the teen shouted, pushing the luggage off of himself.

"It's everything you'll need for your year at Hog--...ShinRa!" answered Reeve. He gave a broad smile, and Cloud stared at him.

"Where'd you even get all this??"

"Places. Now take your ticket and get your things on the train, it's leaving soon!" Reeve handed the boy a train ticket and turned to leave. Cloud read the ticket, and confusion filled his mind.

"Platform 9 & 3/4...?" he asked aloud. "Reeve, Platform 9 & 3/4 doesn't exist! Reeve--?" When he looked up, the older man had already disappeared. Cloud sighed, turned to enter the station, and ran into Reeve. "Ah!! What were you doing behind me?!"

Reeve looked down at him. "Hm? Oh, I dunno. Did you need something?"

"Yeah, what's the deal with this Platform 9 & 3/4??"

"You'll see when you get there. Now get going!" Reeve gave him a slight shove and walked away again, giving a thumbs up and a smile. Cloud waved him off absent-mindedly and began the heavy work of dragging all his luggage into the station. Once he'd managed to do that, he kicked and pushed and pulled his suitcases all the way to the space inbetween Platforms 9 and 10, then stood there not knowing what it was he was supposed to do.

"Does anyone know where Platform 9 & 3/4 is?!?!" he called out, hoping to get an answer. Everyone in the station stopped walking, stared at him briefly, then continued on with their little insignificant lives. Cloud hung his head and sighed in hopelessness before he heard a voice behind him.

"Need some help buddy?"

Cloud turned to find a boy his age with black spikey hair grinning at him. Cloud blinked at him.

"Uh, yeah...what the hell is Platform 9 & 3/4??"

The other boy laughed. "Oh it's just an interdimensional portal that leads to a train station on a seperate dimension plane but still exists in our world at the same time!"

Cloud stared.

"...It's a magical place of cookies and bunnies...and the train we need to board."

"Oh okay!" Cloud smiled happily. "By the way, who are you?"

"My name's Zack Weasly, nice to meet you! It's my first year too. I-- ...WOAH, YOU'RE CLOUD STRIFE!!!"

Cloud looked around frantically and slapped a hand over Zack's mouth. "SHH!! I don't need another mob of girls to attack me, so keep it down about that!"

Zack pushed Cloud's hand away. "Alright alright, I get it. Let's hurry up and board before the train leaves without us!" He grabbed his bunch of luggage and wheeled it right through a brick wall, not fazed by the solid matter at all. Cloud blinked, then did the same. After a short while of dragging and pushing and pulling and kicking all his suitcases, that is.

"Wow, what a cool train!" he exclaimed as soon as he came out on the other side.

"Yeah, this is the ShinRa Express!" Zack told him while he shoved his bags into a compartment in the side of the train.

"...Hey, there aren't any bunnies or cookies here..." Cloud noticed, glaring at Zack.

"...There are cookies on the train?"

"Awesome!" Cloud beamed and made his way over to Zack. "Mind helping me get all this crap in here?"

"No prob!"

And so the two began the laborous task of fitting all of Cloud's luggage into a compartment. They soon completed that, but then Cloud's cactuar escaped from its cage and ran around the entire station, Zack and Cloud chasing it the entire way. Cloud finally managed to beat it down into the compartment with his buster sword, threw that in there with it, and the two boys jumped into the train through one of the windows seconds before it took off.

"Alright, we're off to ShinRa!" Zack said excitedly when he landed in an empty seat. Cloud landed opposite of him, but immediately went flying out into the aisle.

"What the crap?!" he yelled, rubbing his head. A girl only about a year younger than him with long, straight black hair stuck her head out above the seat at him.

"You landed on me, you chocobo-headed jerk!" she screamed at him angrily.

"Yeah well...your hair is stupider than mine!!" Cloud yelled back, standing up and dusting himself off.

"Stupider isn't even a word, genius!" The girl stuck her tongue out at him, and Cloud huffed in reply.

"Who're you?" Zack threw into the hostile conversation.

"Tifa Granger, now if you don't mind, I'll be moving to a different car!" the girl said, and got up to leave. That was when she noticed Cloud's mako green eyes. "You're Cloud Strife, aren't you?!"

"Yeah I know, I'm great and almighty and superior for surviving Sephiroth plus I'm really hot and sexy and blah blah blah, and you're not gonna hug me are you?" Cloud said, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Of course not, your hair might stab me! I'll see you guys later." Tifa stepped around Cloud and went farther into the back of the train. Cloud claimed the seat across from Zack for himself, staring out the window at all the scenery.

"So when do we get to the ShinRa school?" he asked his new friend.

"Here in about ten minutes."

"What?!"

"Yeah, the authoress doesn't want to write stuff for the full-length ride." Zack grinned. "Better get your Soldier-in-training uniform on!"

"..." Cloud stared at him, then complied, closing the door to their seat compartment and throwing on his uniform like everyone else on the train was doing. Soon the train came to a complete stop, and everyone began exiting the locomotive one by one. Zack and Cloud decided to go out the window since it was faster and joined the group outside.

"REEVE?!" Cloud yelled in surprise, shocking all the other students. Indeed, Reeve stood at the head of the group, smiling as usual.

"Hello again, Cloud!" he said, waving once he noticed the blonde teen. "How do?"

"What're you doing here?!" Cloud had thought he'd left the insane man back at Midgar and was actually quite happy about that. Looking over to the side, he noticed the man's Shadowfox parked in the side of the towering ShinRa building in what was most likely a new hole Reeve had created.

"Why, I'm a teacher here! Didn't you know?"

"NO!!"

"Well ya do now!" Reeve smiled again, then turned his attention to the entire group of students. "First years please follow me! Everyone else, you know where to go!"

"Dude, we're gonna go over the lake to the castle!" Zack said, obviously very excited. Cloud looked up to see the ShinRa castle looming over them. It was more like some kind of metallic, industrial castle that spewed toxic pollution into the air instead of one of those old-timey castles. Cloud was completely mesmorized by its complex structure, and couldn't stop staring.

"Hey, we're leavin' ya buddy!" Zack called. Cloud looked down to see that everyone had already boarded several boats and were on their way to the castle.

"CRAP!" he yelled and dove into the lake to catch up with them. Zack helped pull him into his boat once Cloud reached it, then they all merrily rowed to the castle while Reeve sang annoying songs completely out of tune and the blonde teen sulked in his wet clothes. After they arrived, they all gathered into a group again and entered the castle.

"Now this is where I leave you," Reeve announced, everyone but Cloud listening. Cloud was too busy wringing out his uniform all over the expensive carpet. "Continue up these stairs to find another teacher who will guide you the rest of the way. Peace out!" He smiled and left. The group of students was about to do just as the man told them when a silver-haired boy singled himself out from the others and stepped ahead of everyone.

"Well well, if it isn't Cloud Strife!" he said loudly, looking at Cloud who was still wringing his clothes out. Whispers errupted among the students about him, and Cloud finally looked up.

"...Is my hair messed up?" he asked, his hand subconsciously moving to his hair. The silver-haired boy, joined by two other silver-haired men a few years older than him, approached Cloud cooly and calmly.

"I'm Kadaj Malfoy," the youngest introduced himself with a smirk. "These are my brothers Yazoo and Loz. Great people like us, we should stick together. So what do you say? Friends?" Kadaj extended a hand to shake, the evil smirk still on his lips. The other students stared with wide eyes in anticipation of Cloud's decision. After a few long moments, Cloud slapped Kadaj's hand away.

"No way, you're annoying," Cloud frowned, crossing his arms. "Besides, I can't be seen walking around with silver-haired guys! It'll ruin my hotness as a blonde!"

Kadaj stomped his foot and huffed angrily. "You're not nice!!" he yelled.

"Yeah!" Yazoo and Loz agreed simultaneously.

Cloud put his hands on his hips. "Ooh, at least I'm not some little bratty, bi-polar, makes lackeys out of his own brothers, Sephiroth-wannabe!"

"OH BURN!!" Zack called from behind Cloud. Kadaj growled furiously and was about to attack the blonde when a young woman walked down the stairs toward the group.

"Now that's enough," she said forcefully but sweetly, stopping in front of them. Kadaj muttered a few vulgar things, but stopped his assault none the less. "I am Lucrecia McGonagall, and I will be leading you to the sorting hat ceremony. Let's go, no time to waste!" She immediately began walking back up the stairs, and Reeve came running down them.

"How y'all doing? Got lost on the way to the Great Hall, heheh," he chuckled, smiling. He turned to Lucrecia. "Hey Lucy, what's crackin'?"

"Go away Reeve," she replied flatly.

"Gotcha," the man quickly said, waving and walking off down the hall. Lucrecia smiled at the students, turned, and walked up the stairs. Everyone followed her all the way to the top of the stairs and down a hall until she stopped and faced them again.

"Now then, this is where you'll be sorted into one of the four Houses," she explained. Zack bounced up and down excitedly, holding onto Cloud's arm and causing him to bob back and forth. "You will be sorted into either Gryffindorium, Ravenclawck, Hufflepufflez, or Slytherining. Got it?" Everyone stared at her with wide eyes and open mouths. "...Good." She smiled.

Cloud could here someone giving a speech in the next room, the Great Hall. Something about money...money...more money...it had to be Rufus ShinRa giving the speech. Lucrecia opened the doors so that they could all get a better view. Long rows filled over half the room, seating hundreds of students. At the front of the room was a row just for teachers and other adults who had positions at the school. Rufus stood in front of that row before the students, still giving his speech about money. He suddenly said something about sorting the new students, and Lucrecia shifted.

"That's my cue," she said, picking up a stool. On top of it was a strange, pointed, mako green-colored hat with many rips and patches in it. "You guys will come out one at a time when I call your name, 'kay?" She smiled, then took the hat and stool, walked out in front of the student rows in the Great Hall, and set down the stool with the hat on top of it while Rufus sat himself down in the center of the school staff row. None of the students cared, they just kept chatting amongst themselves. Until the sorting hat spoke, that is.

"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE MOUTH-BREATHING BRATS!!!" the hat screamed. Every student immediately stopped talking and turned all attention to the hat. Cloud's eyes widened.

_It talks?! _he thought in his shock. Zack was obviously thinking the same thing since his eyes were just as wide as Cloud's.

"NOW THEN," the hat continued, less loud but still pretty deafening, "I AM JENOVA, YOUR SORTING HAT!! I AM HERE TO SORT YOU NEW BRATS, WHO HAVE COME TO JOIN THE OLD BRATS, INTO YOUR STUPID BRAT HOUSES!! BECAUSE I APPARANTLY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!! NOT AFTER I CAME HERE TO DESTROY THE PLANET AND THAT FREAK POTIONS SCIENTIST SEALED ME IN THIS DAMN HAT!!! I'M STILL OUT FOR REVENGE ON YOU, Y'KNOW!!!"

A man with greasy long hair and a white lab coat at the teachers' row cackled insanely, and Rufus rolled his eyes.

"Oh get on with it already, you do this every year!" the young President shouted in an attempt to hurry Jenova up.

"ALRIGHT, YOU TYRANT, GEEZ!!" Jenova screamed at him. "GAWD, NOW I HAVE TO SING THIS STUPID SONG...OKAY, HERE I GO!! YOU'D ALL BETTER APPRECIATE IT, I WORKED ON THIS ONE ALL FRIGGIN' YEAR!!!

I MAY SEEM BITTER,

I MAY SEEM MEAN.

AND IF YOU THINK SO THEN YOU'RE RIGHT,

I USED TO BE A KILLING MACHINE!!

I WAS GONNA DESTROY YOU ALL,

AND TURN THIS PLACE INTO HELL.

BUT THEN I WAS CAPTURED,

AND PUT IN THIS DAMN HAT!!!"

"That doesn't rhyme!" shouted a student.

"SHUT UP OR I'LL EAT YOUR FACE!!" Jenova screamed, then continued her song.

"NOW I HAVE TO SORT STUDENTS,

IT'S SOMETHING I CAN'T QUIT.

THEY FORCED A CONTRACT ON ME!

THIS IS ALL BULL--"

"JENOVA!!!" Rufus cut in.

"ALRIGHT, GAWD!" Jenova probably would've rolled her eyes if she had any.

"WHICH HOUSE WILL I FORCE YOU IN?

WILL IT BE GRYFFINDORIUM?

THE BRAVE AND THE STRONG,

WHO LIKE TO...HAVE FUN IN THE AUDITORIUM!

OR WILL IT BE ANOTHER?

PERHAPS IT WILL BE RAVENCLAWCK.

INTELLIGENT AND QUIET,

THEY...DO THINGS BY THE CLOCK!

MAYBE YOU'RE A BITCH OR BASTARD,

AND BELONG IN SLYTHERINING.

GREEDY, SELFISH AND RUDE,

THEY...ARE REALLY...DEAFENING!

OR ARE YOU A BIG BABY?

THEN YOU BELONG IN HUFFLEPUFFLEZ.

NICE AND ALWAYS CAUTIOUS,

THEY...THEY..."

Jenova gave an angry cry of frustration. "NOTHING RHYMES WITH HUFFLEPUFFLEZ!!! WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THESE NAMES ANYWAY?!?!"

Rufus wearily massaged his temples. "Are you done yet...?"

The green hat gave a very loud "HMPH" to signal she was indeed through.

"Alright, then let the sorting begin!" Rufus clapped his hands, and Lucrecia began reading off names from the list of first-years to come up to the stool.

Cloud sighed. He'd have to wait a while for his name to be called since he was near the end of the list. He settled with tilting his head back and resting his eyes, but Zack didn't seem content to wait. He was still jumping up and down excitedly and still holding onto Cloud's arm, but the blonde could care less.

"Larry Adams!" Lucrecia called. A timid young teen walked from the group and out into the Great Hall, nervously poking his fingers together. Lucrecia motioned to the stool and the boy sat on it, Lucrecia placing the hat on his head.

"OH GAWD, WHAT A WIMP!! I'M ASHAMED TO BE ON YOUR HEAD!!!" Jenova yelled in disgust. The boy looked like he was about to cry. "OKAY, NOW WHERE DO I PUT YOU...YOU'LL GO IN...SLYTHERINING!!!"

"What?!" the boy asked, horrified.

"DON'T CONTRADICT ME YOU BRAT!!" Jenova screamed at him. Larry trudged solemnly to the Slytherining table, tears going down his face. "NEXT!!" the hat ordered.

Student after student was sorted by Jenova. Cloud didn't pay any attention to it, and Zack seemed like he was going to explode from the anticipation of his own sorting.

"Tifa Granger!" Lucrecia called out.

"Yay, my turn!" Tifa cheered, running up to the stool and putting the hat on her head.

"HMM...YOU HAVE BRAINS, BUT IT SEEMS THAT YOU CAN SURE KICK ASS. OKAY, YOU CAN GO IN GRYFFINDORIUM!"

"Yay!" Tifa ran over to the Gryffindorium table and took a seat, knocking three boys out of her way to get to it, and she smiled.

More students were sorted.

"Kadaj Malfoy!" Lucrecia called. Kadaj smirked and made his way over to the stool.

"SLYTHERINING!!" Jenova screamed as soon as Kadaj had merely reached out to grab her. "HIS BROTHERS, TOO!!"

"Awesome!" he said with a grin. He, Yazoo, and Loz all made their smug way to the Slytherining table, and several people quickly moved to make room for them. More students were sorted.

"Cloud Strife!" Lucrecia finally called, and whispers erupted from all the students and teachers.

"Dude, you're up!" Zack said, nudging the snoring Cloud awake.

"Huh? Wha?? ...Oh yeah." Cloud boredly walked out to the stool and put Jenova on his head as he sat down.

"OH YEAH, I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL SPECIAL HUH?!" Jenova jeered. "WELL YOU'RE NOT!! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A WHINY LITTLE EMO!!"

"...You done?" Cloud asked, wishing she'd hurry up.

"WHY DOES NO ONE EVER CARE ABOUT MY OPINION?! GEEZ!! YOU GO IN...RAVENCLAWCK!"

Cloud was about to get up when Jenova stopped him.

"NO WAIT! HUFFLEPUFFLEZ!!"

"..."

"SLYTHERINING!!"

"Will you make up your mind?!"

"THIS IS HARD, YOU FIT EVERYWHERE!!"

"Pick a house for me already or you're going in the nearest shredder!!" Cloud yelled, losing his patience.

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! UM...GRYFFINDORIUM!!"

Cloud quickly got up from the stool and brushed Jenova off his head, causing her to fall to the floor and scream about it. The blonde went to the Gryffindorium table, sat down next to Tifa, and waited for Zack to be sorted.

Lucrecia eventually got to the end of the list. "Zack Wea--"

"HOORAY, IT'S MY TURN!!!" Zack cried out, running out and jumping onto the stool, nearly causing it to fall over. He grabbed Jenova and pulled her down over his head.

"GOOD LORD YOU'RE HYPER," she said. "OKAY, YOU CAN GO IN GRYFFINDORIUM!"

Zack gave a whoop of joy and bounded over to the seat next to Cloud.

"CAN I GO BACK TO SLEEP NOW?!" Jenova demanded.

"Yes, PLEASE," Rufus said, walking over and throwing both the hat and the stool into the corner. Jenova gave a loud "HEY!" but was ignored. "Everyone, it's eating time!" the President announced, and all the students cheered. "I always spare absolutely no expense on the first feast! We--..."

He stopped when loud sounds of chewing and eating in general arose, along with food flying in all directions. Everyone turned their attention to the far end of the teachers' row, including Rufus. "Barret! I told you about this last year, you can't start eating before everyone else!!" Rufus yelled angrily.

Barret, who had been pigging out on a roast, promptly stopped and looked up to meet the President's glare. He paused, leaned back, and put his hands together as if he'd done nothing wrong, shifting his eyes from side to side.

"Anyway," Rufus continued. "...Screw another speech, everyone enjoy the food!" He turned to go back to his seat, and all kinds of dishes of extravagent food mechanically came up from slots in the tables. Everyone began taking portions for their own to eat. Everyone except Zack. He kept taking whatever Cloud had on his plate. Cloud glared at him every time, but eventually gave up and settled with sulking, head resting in his hand. ShinRa wasn't what he expected it to be, but it wasn't so bad when he thought about it. He was finally doing something with his life, and he finally had a goal. He aimed to be a Soldier; maybe even a Super Soldier. The thought of this cheered him up, which gave him the energy to steal some of his food back from Zack and enjoy it.

His enjoyment didn't last long. Zack grinned, grabbed a handful of Cloud's food, and stood up.

"FOOD FIGHT!!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs and flung the food across the room, smacking Kadaj square in the face. Every student gasped as the silver-haired boy stood up in heated anger, glaring at Zack.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!!" he screamed, throwing his own handful of food Zack's way, but hitting Tifa instead. She growled and also stood up.

"THIS MEANS WAR!!" she announced as she prepared to launch her own attack, and every student stood and pumped their fists in the air in agreement, an immense food fight breaking out among the different House tables. A few of the teachers shrugged and decided to join in, while others opted to hide under the table.

"Why is there always an idiot who has to start a food fight?!" Rufus shouted, obviously unhappy. He managed to dodge the flying sustenances coming his way, but was unable to see the handful of pudding that smacked into the back of his head. He turned to glare at the person who'd thrown it.

"Reeve!! WHAT THE HELL?!" he demanded furiously of his employee.

"Hehe, sorry, guess I got caught up in the moment," Reeve answered, rubbing his head and laughing nervously. He then ducked under the table as Rufus was suddenly bombarded by foods of all kind and knocked flat to the floor.

In the corner, Jenova was being covered by a growing pile of food, and her screams for help were muffled. Not that anyone cared in the first place of course. I mean seriously, who cares about a bitchy hat?

Cloud did what he could to defend himself, which included knocking over whoever was stupid enough to aim at him with one strong fling of a potato, or anything similar. Whenever he'd done so, he would twirl a long carrot in front of him as his famous victory pose, then continue his onslaught. Tifa simply launched things from the table at people with her powerful kicks, and Zack was happy with running up and down the tables without being hit by a single piece of food. Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo were thoroughly enjoying the war, laughing insanely and attacking innocent, helpless students under the tables. Only a few more minutes passed as the battles continued, but all of it was brought to an immediate halt by the deafening sound of a gunshot. Every eye in the Great Hall turned slowly to see Rufus, totally pissed, covered with food, and holding a shotgun aimed at the ceiling. No one moved--except for Zack. Despite Rufus's death glare toward him, he threw his hands in the air and proudly declared with a grin,

"I never got hit once! HUZZAH FOR ME!!"

Then Cloud dumped a bowl of soup over his head, and Zack's grin vanished. "Aw, man..." he mumbled sadly. Cloud smiled in victory and gave a peace sign with his fingers. Rufus interrupted by shooting at the ceiling again, making everyone jump.

"Now then," Rufus said calmly, but through gritted teeth, "everyone go to your appropriate common rooms, and I don't want to hear of a single more disruption out of any of you."

Silence.

"...NOW!!!"

All the students quickly ran as fast as they could from the Great Hall as if they'd receive capital punishment if they didn't. Rufus sighed and rubbed his temples. "God I hate kids," he groaned.

Tseng, who was also uncomfortably covered in food, slowly leaned toward him. "Sir, most of the students are only a few years younger than you are," he pointed out.

Rufus glared at him, and that was all that was required to make Tseng leave in a hurry.

Out in the halls, the different House groups split up to go to their seperate common rooms. Cloud looked around at the several moving portaits on the walls, amazed at how they seemed so alive. He stopped for a moment to touch one, but only caused it to fall to the floor. Cloud stared wide-eyed as the person inside the portrait began screaming at him angrily, and Zack quickly pushed the blonde down the hall to catch up with the other Gryffindoriums. They soon arrived at a very large portrait of a very fat lady. The prefect stepped ahead of the group.

"I will now use the password to open the portrait!" he announced. Clearing his throat, he smiled proudly. "Froogle!"

Nothing happened.

"...Froogle!!"

Still nothing.

"...I SAID FROOGLE DAMMIT!!!"

Cloud rolled his eyes and walked over to the portrait. He was tired, cranky, and too impatient to wait for a stupid painting to open, so he tore it apart and stepped through the hole to their common room without a single word. The prefect shrugged.

"That's another way to do it," he said unsurely, but followed Cloud non-the-less, as did everyone else. Several girls giggled at Cloud's violent solution, and whispered things like "He's so dreamy!" and "Nice ass!"

Once everyone was inside, the prefect began handing out class schedules. "You'll start your first day tomorrow," he said, "so get plenty of rest!"

Cloud blinked down at the schedule he held in his head. For Monday he had Transfiguration, Herbology, and Flying lessons. Tuesday was Potions and Charms. On Wednesday there was Defense Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures. Thursday held seconds for Hebology and Charms. Lastly, Friday had for him a second Potions class and an Astronomy class at midnight. Cloud sighed heavily and hung his head. It was going to be a long year.

"DUDE!!" Zack called, jumping onto Cloud's back. "Gimme your schedule, I wanna compare! Gimme gimme gimme!!"

Cloud shoved his schedule into Zack's face, hoping the hyper teen would quit pulling his hair and get off his back. Zack did so and Cloud looked over his shoulder to see if they shared a schedule. Zack soon began jumping up and down with glee.

"We have the same classes isn't that great?!" he said happily.

"Awesome!" Cloud agreed, also smiling. "I'm sharing classes with the first friend I made at this stupid school, huzzah!" The two grinned and jumped up and down together, simultaneously chanting "We're sharing classes, la lala lala la!" Until Tifa walked up to them and stared at them like they were both idiots that needed to be thrown out the window. Both boys immediately stopped their celebration.

"...Guy stuff...you wouldn't understand," Cloud said hesitantly. Tifa rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Hey, let's go up to our room!" Zack suggested, already going up the stairs, and Cloud quickly followed him. They ran up the spiral staircase until they came to the first year's bedroom and entered, finding that they were the first ones there and that all their stuff already in the room. While Zack ran over to dig through his things, Cloud walked to his pile to find a note attached to one of his suitcases. It read in scribbled handwriting, "Bring less stuff next time, geez!" The blonde blinked at it, then tossed it to the side. He was about to find his night things when a flash of green suddenly dashed out of his pile, causing him to scream and fall to the floor. Zack also screamed and fell to the floor when the green object ran past him.

"What the hell is that?!" he cried out.

"That's my stupid cactuar!" Cloud answered, getting to his feet. He attempted to pounce on it but missed, crashing to the floor. The cactuar sped around the room at full speed and knocked over almost everything it could.

"I got it I got it!" Zack declared, jumping from one of the beds. Instead of landing on the cactuar though, he landed on a nightstand. "...I don't got it..."

Cloud growled, losing his temper quickly. He reached out to grab the cactuar as it ran past him but missed. "Dammit, just come here!!" he yelled, standing up. He was knocked back down when the cactuar jumped onto him, hugging him lovingly.

Zack sat up on the bed, grinning. "Alright, you caught it!"

"Yeah...great," Cloud muttered, trying to ignore the thorns that he'd been impaled by when the cactuar hugged him.

"What'd you name it?"

Cloud sat up slowly, the cactuar still attached to his chest. "...I dunno, I haven't named it yet."

"Ooh, ooh, I know! Name it Mr. Puddles!" Zack grinned widely.

Cloud blinked at him, then sighed after a moment. "Alright, I'll name it...Mr. Puddles..."

"Woot!" Zack gave his friend a thumbs up and returned to getting ready for sleep. Cloud ripped the cactuar off himself painfully, and stared at it. Where was he gonna put this thing so that it didn't run away in the middle of the night? Looking around, he spotted a trunk at the end of the bed next to the one Zack had claimed. Shrugging, Cloud figured that would do and proceeded to throw Mr. Puddles into the trunk and quickly close it. He then dug for his pajamas and found some with happy chocobo prints on them. _Note to self, get revenge on Reeve_, Cloud thought bitterly, but put the pajamas on anyway. He may have liked chocobos, but this was like torture after he'd been denied an actual pet chocobo. He climbed onto his bed and looked over at Zack, who was wearing pajamas with little Shiva prints on them and a moogle night hat on his head. "...Um."

"Isn't it cool?!" Zack chirped, pointing to his hat after he got under the covers of his bed.

"...Yeah...sure..." Cloud replied, also getting under his covers.

"Tomorrow's our first day! I can't believe it, I never thought I'd actually be here. You excited too??"

"Yeah...yeah, I am." Cloud was telling the truth. He really was excited to be there, to be doing something with his life. It was the first thing he'd ever been excited about. Closing his eyes, Cloud contently thought of what was to come the next day, and began to fall into a peaceful sleep. Until a few minutes later. Cloud and Zack both screamed as the cactuar suddenly burst out of the trunk and wreaked havoc again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

_Credit to my friend on the cactuar's name. x3 Chapters after this will most likely cover a full day each, so you'll have to be patient with the updates. Oh, and the class schedule I made for Cloud is based off a schedule I found of the fifth Harry Potter book. If you don't like how it's laid out, then tough noogies cuz I like it. X3 If you have an idea or suggestion, you can tell me in a review, but there's no guarantee I'll use it. On the other hand, if I like it, then I'll use it and credit you for it. :3 Flames will be used to light Hojo's lab coat on fire, so bring 'em on! XD_


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